


Damn My Vanity

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, Other, Self-cest sort of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:52:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a humorous little ficlet involving the Cat and the pleasure GELF Camille.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damn My Vanity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zolturates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zolturates/gifts).



> Happy Smegging Birthday [Zolturates](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Zolturates/pseuds/Zolturates)! I hope you have a fantastic one, and that you enjoy this silly little thing I wrote for you. :-)
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for inventing these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg.

“ **Camille**!” Kryten’s voice vibrated straight through the ceiling of the medibay as it raised two octaves.

“ **Camille**!” Lister cried out as he clutched at his fuzzy hat in despair.

“ **List** … Erm... I mean, **Camille**!” Rimmer’s eyes shifted from side-to-side as he stared in open-mouthed horror along with the others.

“What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy right now?” Camille shook her head in irritation as she turned away from the others, and went back to snogging the Cat.

“My god, I can’t look! It’s hideous!” Kryten yelled as he hurriedly pulled his eyes directly from their sockets. He couldn’t bear to watch the Cat, sucking face with the beautiful mechanoid he’d become so enamoured of. The others could hear him bashing into the corridor walls as he fled from the medibay, his eyes in his hands.

“Oh, smeg. It’s just so wrong.” Lister grimaced as he watched the Cat slide his hands lasciviously over the spunky Scouse girl. 

Rimmer covered his face in his hands and quietly excused himself as he walked past the Cat  playing tonsil hockey with his own bunkmate. Lister cringed as he heard him retching loudly in the corridor.

“ **Cat**!” Lister barked out, “What the smeg are you doing?” 

“What’s it look like I’m doing, buddy? I’m making out with the most gorgeous creature in the universe!” The Cat flashed his tongue, then went back to eagerly kissing Camille. 

“Well I can **see** that, Cat. But what’s she look like? What do you see?”

The Cat grumbled as he pulled away from Camille with irritation, “Well who do you think I see curry-brain? I said the most gorgeous creature in the universe! Now who else would that be, but myself! God I’m so gorgeous! I’m making myself wet!”

“Wha? You mean you’re…” Lister wrinkled up his nose at the thought. “Oh smeg.”

“Who else would be worthy of touching and caressing such a divine creature as myself?” The Cat purred and ran his fingers teasingly down his front, tweaking each one of his six nipples. 

“This is so gross, man.” Lister shuddered as he averted his eyes.

“Hey why don’t you make yourself useful, buddy? Go get the camera. I want to be able to relive this moment.” The Cat waggled his eyebrows at Camille.

“Oh sure, yeah. I’ll get right on that. But first I’m going to go find Kryten so I can ask him to give me a lobotomy.” Lister shook his head as he left the medibay in disgust.

“What’s that?” The Cat hollered after Lister. “One of those special lenses that lets you get in real close? Yeah! I like the sound of that!”


End file.
